THE DISCWORLD ENCOUNTER
By Kohn K'Tarra

In the cosmic vastness of the Multiverse there are nothing but stars; slowly evolving, expanding, and exploding like a personal fireworks display….but wait….from the center of this particular view we have….life. The view expands to include a giant sea turtle swimming casually through space in no particular hurry to be anywhere; but that may soon change. The turtle is ten thousand miles long from nose to tail and appears to not have any concerns but one; but that too may soon change. The turtle’s main concern at the moment would appear to be the weight of the four elephants currently riding on its back and, in turn, that of the Discworld itself….but wait….from the other end of the Multiverse comes….a Klingon Battlecruiser?

“Commander” came the alert from my Tactical Officer “sensors are picking up an object to starboard.”

“What kind of object?” I replied.

“Unable to identify.”

“On screen” I ordered.

My Tactical Officer, whose name was Kleth, worked until the view was altered to show the object as ordered.

“The object is 16,093 Kellicams in diameter, a little more than 1/5th larger than a Class M planet” announced Kleth “and, although mobile, is moving at an extremely slow speed. I can detect no defenses at all, but sensors are picking up many life forms, mostly humanoid. Atmosphere similar to that of a Class M planet.”

“Cloak the ship, set a course, and plot an orbit” I ordered. “I want to study this….thing.”

“Yes Commander” came the replies from Helm and Tactical as they carried out my orders.

In just a few moments we were in orbit around what appeared to be the edge of the world.

“Target the largest city” I ordered.

“There appear to be a number of large cities, but I’ve located what seems to be the largest; co-ordinates coming through now.”

“Get ten men and meet me in the transporter room.” I told Kleth. To my Helmsman I said “On my order de-cloak the ship, beam us down, and cloak the ship again as quickly as possible. I don’t trust this, it’s too simple.”

“Yes Commander” came the replies.

Moments later I was in the transporter room where Kleth and ten others were waiting on the platform. As I stepped up I activated my communicator.

“Now” I ordered.

The streets of Ankh-Morpork are always busy no matter what time of day or night, but there is one place in the city that gives the illusion of being perpetually quiet; one may almost say dead, that is until a slight buzzing sound disturbs the silence.

“I can’t see anyone Commander” Kleth announced “but the Tricorder is picking up multiple readings, all humanoid, at a range of no more than 100 meters, and moving as we move. Sir, they appear to be following us.”

“Understood” I acknowledged. “Stay on the alert and keep me informed” I ordered as we all drew our disruptors.

We continued moving a short distance when we heard a sound in front of us. Then we were charged at by about a dozen people, coming from all sides. Seeing no danger we immediately holstered our disrupters so we could enjoy ourselves. When the fight was over a short time later there came the minor problem of disposing of the bodies.

“What do you think, Kleth?” I asked.

“Tricorder is picking up some kind of river in the area, seems as good a place as any.”

“Agreed” I replied.

So we each picked up a body and headed towards the river. When we got there we naturally thought of throwing the bodies in, but when we did so we were quite surprised to see them bounce a couple of times before finally sinking. As we were near the river anyway we decided to follow it. We walked for a few minutes until our path was blocked by a small building so we walked around to find the door and, after being slightly intrigued by a moving statue at the door and the name of the place being ‘The Mended Drum’, we went inside. After being greeted by silence as we opened the door, we went to the bar.

“Very strange clientele Commander” Kleth observed “mostly humanoid; albeit some shorter than others, some more of those stone creatures and even what appears to be a monkey.”

Somehow the place managed to get quieter. Then the ‘monkey’, which was actually a Wizard Librarian transformed into an orangutan during a magical accident, made its way over to my Tactical Officer, stretched out a four foot arm, and hit him. During the fight we noticed quite a number of Grrrrs, Ooooks, and even an occasional Eeeek! When that was over we sampled the local ale, which was weak even by human standards….but drinking fake ale is better that drinking water, and the Librarian decided to join us as well.

“Looks like you’ve made a friend there Kleth,” I observed.

“Yes.” He replied, “He’s very good in a fight, may even make a decent Klingon” which prompted us all to laugh.

After that we continued our exploration with the Librarian still with us. Meanwhile Lord Vetinari, the Patrician and ruler of this city, had been informed of the arrival of the Klingons….via various sources, and had already started dealing with the problem at hand; by not only calling for Mr. Downey the Master of the Assassins Guild, but also Mustrum Ridcully the Arch-Chancellor of Unseen University.

“As you can see by the evidence,” stated the Patrician, indicating the reports of the bodies that eventually washed ashore just outside the city gates “we have a small problem.”

“I don’t really see why” replied the Arch-Chancellor. “I’ve never liked the denizens of the Shades and anything that cuts down on their number is okay by me; and as for the Mended Drum? Well that place gets wrecked twice a day in any case, so a bit of extra wreckage isn’t a major problem.”

“I see, and what is your opinion of this Mr. Downey?”

“Well while I’m inclined to agree with Mr. Ridcully on certain aspects, the fact remains that we have intruders in our City that are carrying out un-authorized killing.”

“That’s right Lord; and while there only seem to be about 12 of them, there may be many more waiting to mount an attack at any time.” Stated Captain Carrot of the City Watch.

“I see. And what would you suggest that we do with them?”

“I say, for the most part, leave them alone” replied Captain Carrot. “This would obviously appear to be a scouting party of some kind, so let them scout. I’ll take a patrol of Trolls and keep them under surveillance, so if they are here looking for a fight, I’ll supply them with one they won’t forget in a hurry.”

“And you, Lord, have the Palace Guards….but despite this I am willing to supply you with a personal guard of Assassins, should the need arise.”

“Thank you Mr. Downey, I shall keep this in mind. And what of you Arch-Chancellor, what shall you be doing?”

“I’m inclined to agree with Captain Carrot, Lord. I too shall have them watched….but carefully. They have our Librarian so it’s personal now.”

Meanwhile the Klingons had continued to follow the river around and found themselves at a large stone building, which on closer inspection with help from the Librarian, turned out to be a school. Realizing what kind of school this was, Commander Kohn contacted the ship and ordered the pIn’a’ HoS to beam down to their co-ordinates (pIn’a’ HoS translates to energy master; basically a Klingon Wizard). The pIn’a’ HoS (who’s name was bIQ’a’ Hub) beamed down a few minutes later.

When bIQ’a’ Hub beamed down he was dressed resplendently in the traditional Armour polished to a high shine, but with the addition of gold braiding around the edges. He was wearing a black cloak made of Dragon leather with Dragon scales on the shoulders and down the back to form a spine. He had a six-foot black staff that had a black Dragon on top with wings unfolded and illuminated green eyes pulsating with power. The staff was also fully carved with sigils from top to bottom and they too were illuminated and pulsating with power.

The Librarian then took us to an old part of the school, which turned out to be the Library.

“This place is unbelievable” stated bIQ’a’ Hub.

“Ooook” agreed the Librarian.

“Ooook?”

“A what?”

“Ooook!”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

bIQ’a’ Hub started concentrating and within a few moments a strange, yellow, curved fruit….known as a ‘banana’, materialized in front of the Librarian; who then started sniffing it and then started eating it.

“Ooook.”

“You’re welcome, but you seem to have strange taste in food.”

And with that, bIQ’a’ Hub created a few more bananas for the Librarian; and then some traditional Klingon meals for his fellows.

“Feel free to join us” came my invitation.

After sniffing everything, the Librarian grabbed a pipius claw and used it as a spoon for the gagh.

“Ooook.”

“Yes, I know it’s still alive, we like it that way.”

“Ooook?”

“Yes, your food is still strange.”

Suddenly we heard voices and then the air started to crackle with power. We turned towards the door and saw a group of Wizards heading toward us. Instantly bIQ’a’ Hub created a wall of energy that succeeded in blocking the door so that we could assess the situation.

Obviously what was needed here was a show of force, so we called for their most powerful Wizard. Within a few moments a Wizard stepped forth that was wearing long flowing robes, holding a tall staff with many sigils carved into it, and wearing a pointed hat that appeared to have hooks stuck in it.

“I am Mustrum Ridcully” he announced. “I am Arch-Chancellor of this University, and I demand a showdown.”

So bIQ’a’ Hub let him through the door and everyone else stood back at a safe distance.

The ensuing battle went on for some time with each participant countering his opponent’s spells while chanting in the traditional language of their own cultures, but in the end it was bIQ’a’ Hub, the Klingon Wizard, that was the victor.

The rest of the Klingons saw this as an excuse for a fight, so they gathered together the remaining Wizards and had a free for all.

By this time Mr. Downey, the Master of the Assassins Guild, had heard about what was going on and was organizing a group of Assassins to go over to the University to deal with the problem. What he wouldn’t have been able to know about (until it was too late) was that Klingons are also trained Assassins….it is a necessary skill when getting a promotion over your superior’s dead body.

After the fight the Klingons left the University in search of more adventure, while the Librarian stayed with his fellows to help sort things out. It wasn’t long before they stood before a large palace guarded by….well….guards. This made the Klingons happy because it meant another fight; of course this made the guards un-happy for exactly the same reason.

After the fight, which only lasted a few minutes, the Klingons noticed Captain Carrot and a small patrol of Trolls. Having a fair idea of what to expect we drew our disruptors and simply blasted the Trolls into dust, leaving Captain Carrot to fend for himself. We then holstered our disruptors and then I took care of Carrot.

When that was over we entered the palace; and were then immediately surrounded by men wearing black robes with hoods. As one man we all drew our d’k taghs and activated the side blades. The Assassins took this as their cue and converged on us.

The Assassins discovered, too late of course, how difficult it is to stab someone in the back while they are wearing Armour, and thus were easily defeated. So when that fight was over we continued into what appeared to be a throne room, with a man dressed in black sitting on a chair at the foot of some steps leading up to what appeared to be a golden throne.

“I am Lord Vetinari, the ruler of this city. Why are you here?”

“I am Commander Kohn, leader of these Klingons. We are here because we were bored.” Came the reply.

“With all you’ve been through” ventured the Patrician “surely you are no longer bored?”

“You’re right” I replied.

And with that I activated my Communicator

“Beam us aboard” I ordered.

Moments later we were standing on the bridge of my ship.

“Move us into attack position” I ordered, “then fire a photon torpedo at our last co-ordinates.”

A few seconds later both orders were carried out and we saw a small explosion on the surface of the Disc.

“Resume previous course” I ordered.

“Aye Sir” came the reply.

And moments later we were speeding towards our next adventure.

THE END
(1997)